A long time associate of mine was given an assignment for one of his courses. The assignment was to give a prompt to one man and one woman and have them answer it. The prompt read:
Make a list of ten (10) questions you would ask a person with whom you wanted to seriously date. Place the questions in priority mode. State why you choose the questions you did and why you would want to know these things about the person you desire to date. Exclude the person's name, but include age factor, ethnicity, etc. It is important you It is important that you state why and what influenced you most...the person's dress code, ambitions, pride, respect, honor, spirituality, etc...
Think rationally and realistically. Would choose someone like this for a husband/wife? Could you be serious about him/her?
When I was originally asked to complete this, I thought it would be incredibly simple. Most women, upon meeting someone who they even think is eligible, immediately start formulating questions and super-analyzing every word and/or gesture. But after actually putting a lil more deep thought into it, it suddenly wasn't so simple.
Me being me, I went into super-analyze mode. For every question that I thought of, I asked myself : if I am considering dating this person seriously, is not a given that I would have already gotten and considered this information? Plus, I've come to see that a lot of people unknowingly give off a whoooole lot of information about themselves...its just up to you to be observant enough to pick it up...
So I had to dig a little bit deeper...
Then, the juices got to flowing, and I started feeling too restricted by only being able to ask 10 questions.
This ended up keeping up half the night... But here is what I came up with :
1) Are you currently single and unattached? (a) I would ask this question first simply because it is the most important. I need to know before starting to seriously date someone if they are in fact available. The unattached part of the question is important because a person being single doesn’t mean they’re emotionally available. If I am really interested in this person, I would to know if they are on the rebound or emotionally scarred before I get invested in anyway. Being available in both ways would be a must in order for me to take a person serious. I am influenced to ask this question by past experiences. It is a horrible feeling when you have been misled or lied to by a partner about their availability; whether it be that they have someone else, or that you are just a rebound to them. If they are currently dating other people, how sincere could they be about being serious with me? I believe if a person is still emotionally tied up with someone else, then that relationship is not completely over for them. They would need to clear up any lingering issues before being able to move forward with me, or anyone else.
2) How old are you? (b) This is the second most important question. (This is one of those that I would have already tried to figure out without directly asking, but sometimes, your conjecture is off)While a big age difference in either direction would not automatically be a deal breaker, it is an important. Age is often the first piece of information that I use to gauge a person’s current situation, mentality, attitude, and accomplishments; all things that I would consider before dating someone serious. Although I would personally prefer someone slightly, but not too much older than myself, the following has to be considered: • Is this someone who is worth dealing with the obstacles that are sure to be encountered when seriously dating someone much older or younger than me? • Are we compatible enough, to the point where the age difference doesn’t matter • Someone your own age may not be on the same maturity level as you. People older than me can be very immature. People younger than me could be very mature.
3) What are your religious beliefs? (a) This comes in at number three because religious beliefs/practices shape nearly every part of everyone’s life. It is directly tied to a person’s morals and values. I also need to know if it is the same or different than my own. If it is different, how comfortable am I dating that person? How much conflict will dating someone outside my religion cause? How would this effect any future we would have together, i.e. family practices, child-rearing, etc. Because I believe strongly that there is always common ground that any two people can stand on, I would seriously date someone outside of my own religion, but only after the afore mentioned questions (and maybe some others) have been answered and I can live with the answers, and only after it is understood that changing my religion would not be an option.
4) What do you do for a living? (a) What a person does for a living is crucial. It gives a lot of information about the type of lifestyle they lead. It gives you an insight to not only what their income is (how much is it nearly important as how), but also answers some of the following: Does their job/career keep them away a lot? Is it dangerous? Does it interfere with any of my morals, values, or beliefs? I would also add an additional aspect to this question by asking if their current job/career choice what they want to be doing; or if they are working towards something else. How they answer that part will tell you a little more about their goals and aspirations.
5) What is the highest level of education you have received? Do you plan on or are you working on going further? (a)This would be my next question. I would not immediately dismiss someone based on their lack of formal education, nor would I overly praise someone who has gone to college or beyond. Not being a traditional high school graduate myself, I can perfectly relate to having left high school. At the same time, it would seriously concern me if the person had no desire to go back and work towards at least a GED. Having gone to college does not make one a shoe-in, either. Formal education does not always equate to actual intelligence or common sense, and has little to do with the chemistry you share with someone.
6) Have you ever been to prison/jail? If so, for what? a) This question would be next because it also lets you know some important information about a person’s morals and values, as well as their background/history. If a person has been to prison/jail, what they were incarcerated for is for more important than the fact that they were. Everyone makes mistakes, bad decisions, or simply gets caught up at the wrong place and time, so I would seriously date someone who had a criminal past, depending on what they were accused or convicted of.
7) What is your sexual history? a) This day in age, it is no joke what you can catch out here. I need to know what is a person “level of risk”
8) Do you have or have you ever been diagnosed with any serious physical or mental conditions or substance abuse problems? a) From recent personal experiences, I have learned that it is extremely important to know what a person’s current physical and mental health status is. Physical is important because it can be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with a serious physical illness. Additionally, I just need to know if the person is generally healthy if I plan on trying to build a future with them. Wanting to know the status of a person’s mental health is pretty self-explanatory. My personal safety as well as that of other people in my life is important. I need to know beforehand if I’m dealing with someone who may be suffering from psychosis, depression, delusions, and/or suicidal tendencies, etc. I also need to know if you have a history of substance abuse. This again plays to my personal safety. While a yes to any portion of this question would not instantaneously disqualify someone from being a dating candidate, it would make me ask a series of follow up questions that would determine if I would want to pursue any kind of relationship; such as: How severe is this problem, are seeking or receiving any treatment?
9) What is your cultural/ethnic background or upbringing? a) While this is not extremely important, what country and/or culture a person reigns from can tell you a lot of information. It’ll inform you of what cultural barriers, if any, you would face in a relationship with them. Similar to many of the previous questions, it will provide you with some insight to their background, their attitudes or views towards life, politics, religion, amongst other information.
10) What are your dating aspirations? Last, but definitely not least, I need to know what a person’s intentions are. Are you looking at dating someone seriously as well? Are you looking for something long-term? Short-term? Committed? Monogamous? It is important that both people be on the same page about this so no one has expectations beyond what the other person plans to give.
As I stated throughout, how a potential partner answered any of these direct questions would not solely determine if I would or would not date them seriously, or choose them as marital spouse. That would be more of a comprehensive decision based on all the answers and some other things(i.e. our natural chemistry, physical attraction, how well he can hold a convo, etc.). Most of the questions’ values are purely probative. In order to think about dating someone seriously, it is important for me to have a decent understanding of a person’s morals, value and belief system. I need to know if this person can be trusted, and is what I deem respectable.
Now I'm sure I can think of dozens more questions, but there's a fine line between inquisitive and plain old nosey. Although I would like to know as much as possible about the person upfront, I believe that there is a such thing as knowing too much too soon.
To me, part of the fun in a relationship is getting to know each other. While no one wants to be in the dark about the person they are really into, I kinda think of it like movies...
With the exception of your favorites, once you've seen the whole thing from beginning to end, is it going to be as exciting the next day when you see it again?
I personally like it when I come across a good movie that is worthy of another viewing, but still find little pieces and parts that I didn't catch at first time.
Just my opinion though...
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